The silent men: the other side of domestic violence
What exactly happens when an emergency dispatcher receives a call from a 250lb man who is scared for his life because his wife, who is half his size, has committed acts of domestic violence towards him?
The reality is that such a call rarely takes place. In fact, more than half of domestic violence crimes committed toward men go unreported.
Society conventions paint men as strong, brave, and courageous figures within their community. They’re not considered or thought of as being the poster image of being a domestic violence victim. According to The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, there are over 1.2 million cases of women who have been victims of domestic violence annually. From this amount there are over 1100 deaths reported each year from the domestic violence of women, which equates to having 3 women a day die from these horrendous acts.
Women who leave an abusive relationship as a victim are less likely to be in any future stable relationship. Currently, there are over 830,000 reported cases of domestic violence toward men each year. In order to eradicate domestic violence in both men and women, society must continue to acknowledge that domestic violence occurs with men as well. This is not just a women's issue alone nor is it an issue that is only confined to heterosexual relationships. The Family Violence Protection Fund notes, 25% of same-sex couples have experienced domestic violence in their relationship. This is approximately the same rate as heterosexual couples. The Women's Center of Sexual and Domestic Violence Services, at Virginia University states the following:
"While it isn't clear just how common it is, battering does happen in same-sex relationships. The abuse is similar to that in heterosexual couples, but it is far more invisible in our society. Many programs for battered women are only just beginning to address this issue, or are insensitive to the needs of battered LGBT individuals, because of ignorance and/or homophobia. However, more groups which support battering survivors are recognizing this issue and working to become as welcoming to LGBT survivors as heterosexual survivors. "
Men
- Remain in relationships to ensure the safety of their kin
Women
- They're dependent on their partner
Both
- Feel embarrassed & ashamed
- & Feel Isolated from friends and family
The domestic violence on men reports an average of over 830,000 cases each year. This is a miniscule amount, if you're aware that half of all cases of domestic violence on men go unreported. It is important to truly examine the situation by exploring both parts of the equation which considers both genders as possible victims. Perhaps, if both genders are given the same rights of equal justice such violent acts would lessen over time.
These male victims who go through abuse suffer in silence, and because of their size or gender they’re not taken seriously when discussing their situation to the general public.
On BatteredMen.com, male victims volunteered in telling their stories of domestic violence—the following are excerpts from anonymous men on the website:
My wife - in one of her drunken rages - took our daughter's baseball bat and used it to smash the locked door to my study, where I was trying desperately to meet a deadline. And since I'm over 6 feet tall and muscular, I wouldn't get much sympathy posing as a "battered man!": I had thought of calling the police that night. When I recalled this incident to my divorce lawyer some time later, his response was: "It's a good thing you didn't, because the police probably would have arrested you."
Male Victim 2:
I have been verbally and psychologically battered and abused, I've been threatened with bodily harm, I've been threatened to be shot right between the eyes, I've been kicked in the groin, I've had to watch while my ex sexually molested my daughter and not dare interfere for fear of retaliation. Then 1 day she called 911 so fast and had me arrested, my head was literally spinning with disbelief. When trying to tell the officer that I was provoked and that she was hurting my daughter and that I was protecting my daughter, he told me that I had better keep quiet, I'd charge you with a felony if I could, he said. .. So now what do i do?
Male Victim 3:
I was awarded temporary sole custody of my three children and possession of the marital home. My ex-wife was in shock and refused to leave ... Her attempts to provoke an incident increased. Finally one morning she cornered me alone in the kitchen and again began to punch me out after a nasty verbal exchange. Unfortunately, my 10 year old son witnessed this episode through a window while he headed for his school bus. I did not strike back. My ex then left and went to the police.
Male Victim4:
She screamed:
"How did I look?" I asked.
"You looked hurt and shocked and angry and disgusted."
"How should I have looked after you hit me?" I asked.
"I needed for you to understand how I was feeling at that time. I needed your support, not your anger," she said.
I understood then why she had never apologized for that act of violence or for any of her many other violent assaults.
As horrific as these stories may seem, it's real and should be taking seriously. Robert Eldridge, a writer for batterman.com, gives several helpful suggestions for male victims of domestic violence.
He states the following:
- Always keep a record of dates and times of incidents.
- Always seek medical attention for any injuries -- do not cover up the true cause.
- Always take legal advice.
- Do tell your family and friends what is happening to you.
- Do not be provoked into retaliating.
It is disheartening to find the negative impact that is left on children who have parents who are in domestic abusive relationships. Children who witness parents in domestic abusive situations are two times as likely to become either an abuser or the victim of abuse.
Sheridan Hill writes in her article, "In defense of abused men: Women must speak up in support of men," the following statement:
"Women must treat men the same way that they believe men should treat women: with respect. The golden rule was not made for men: it was made for every breathing soul.
Women have been on a self-righteous soap box for a long time. Men have cowered in the face of feminism and other movements that have been used by those who want to avoid looking at the consequences of their behavior."
Domestic Abuse is real. It affects our friends, brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers. It does not discriminate.
Contact the following organizations if you're a victim of domestic violence or know someone who may be a victim:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
800-799-SAFE (7233);ndvh.org
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Ncadv.org
Labels: domestic violence, relationships, violence
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